Attack of the Sues
by Steeltalon
Summary: A little parody I wrote for fun...the boys of Hogwarts can't handle all of these perfectly insane women! Harry and Draco decide it's time to get rid of them, once and for all.


A/N: I'm really sorry about the next chapter of Descent into Madness taking so long! I've had a lot going on, but the major things preventing me from writing up 'til now have been school, and the fact that I was recovering from surgery. I had my wisdom teeth taken out and have had a few small issues during the healing process – nothing serious, though, so don't worry. :) Wrote this for shits n' giggles in the meantime.

**-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-**

"_Hide me_, Potter!"

The call was accompanied by the sound of rapid, fast-approaching footsteps. Harry barely had time to react as a certain blonde Slytherin dove behind him, effectively turning the Boy-Who-Lived into a human shield. Already on edge and in no mood for Malfoy's antics, Harry asked irritably, "Hide you from _what_?"

"_Them_."

Something about Draco's tone made Harry pause and take a better look at him. The usually perfectly-kept blonde hair was disheveled, and Draco looked panicked; he kept jumping nervously at every small sound and glancing behind him as if he thought he'd been followed. There were large rips in his shirt, trousers and robe, and there was a livid red mark around his neck, as if someone had very forcefully tried to drag him somewhere by his collar. What caught Harry's attention even more, though, were the lipstick marks of various colors on Draco's face and neck; his heart sank.

"Oh, no. They got you too?" Harry could barely force the words out, and the fresh handprint-shaped bruise on his arm began to throb again.

Over the past few weeks, Hogwarts had seen an extraordinary number of transfer students, usually between fifteen and seventeen years old. Each one of them had an incredibly long name, and a tragic story. The weird thing was…they were all impossibly beautiful women. And by "impossibly", most students meant "creepily".

It was almost _scary _how perfect each one of them was; not to mention how they all looked so alike. Rumors had already begun to spread. Some said that they were all identical siblings. Others said that Voldemort must be conducting experiments, trying to make an ultra-powerful army, made up entirely of pretty girls.

One thing was for sure. If it was the latter, Voldemort's experiments had gone _horribly wrong _somewhere along the line.

The girls were all…_defective _– that was the only way to put it – in some way.

Some of them were too clingy. Others were too jealous and possessive. Some were too…just downright nasty to everyone they didn't like. What it all came down to was they were all too fucking emotional and prone to overreacting. To _everything_.

Including the presence of the boys they were…ah…lusting after at the time, though they claimed to be in love with each one. A number of brutal assaults had at first shocked and confused the entire school. Boys had turned up, shell-shocked and looking similar to how Draco did now, claiming that a few of the new girls had begged them to make love to them, and tried to take what they wanted by force when they were rejected. Harry himself – as the bruise again reminded him with a sharp throb – had been attacked on several occasions. The last one had been an extremely close call – only Snape's sudden arrival had stopped the girls.

After that, things had only gone from bad to worse. Though they were reprimanded and threatened with suspension, the girls had gone right on doing what they had been. Ignoring the school's dress code and refusing to attend classes, instead going to concerts or – as was the occasion when one of them was walked in on – cutting themselves for no apparent reason. Flirting with any guy they pleased, without regard for any possible girlfriends. They called everyone who hated them "preps", "posers", and a variety of other things that barely made sense.

On more than one occasion, one of them could be seen flipping out at thin air, calling out names like "Vampire", "Raven", and "B'loody Mary". ("Isn't that a Muggle drink?" a very confused Ron had whispered to Hermione.) She was regarded by the majority of the students as the most dangerous of them, and many whispered that she must be insane – she plainly was not a vampire, though she claimed to be one, and some people had seen her drink blood a few different times.

Draco shuddered as the tell-tale sounds of a pack of giggling girls wearing high heels began to echo from the direction he'd just come. The clicking of those heels sounded remarkably like what Harry imagined a group of Acromantulas would, if they ever managed to get into the castle.

"Draaaaco, Drakey-darling," one of the girls called in a high, sing-song voice. "Come out, come out, wherever you are…" Another of them giggled – or maybe it was the same one. Their voices were so similar, it was hard to tell. Draco gave a most un-Malfoy-ish whimper and shrank back against the wall, his already wide eyes widening even further.

Harry may not have liked Draco, exactly, but there was no way he was going to let the Slytherin get torn to pieces by horny, absolutely insane women.

He grabbed Draco's shoulder to get his attention. "This way," he hissed under his breath, and – not for the first time – was almost grateful to have grown up the way he did. Years of training his body to step lightly made sure his feet made nearly no sound as he led Draco away from the approaching girls. _Come on, think,_ Harry coached himself, trying to ignore the way his heart had jumped back up from where it had settled – somewhere near his toes – and was now beating frantically in his throat. _Remember all those late nights studying the Marauder's Map – I know there_ has _to be a secret passage around here somewhere._

"Ouch! That was my _foot_, Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way!"

"Shut the hell up, Ivy Caroline Celestia Allison Marissa Claire Bieber. You're such a stupid fucking _prep_."

Harry felt the blood drain out of his face. As he glanced back to see how Draco was doing, he swore the blonde's eyes were about to fall out of his head. Draco's lips moved; it looked like he was mouthing "it's her". Unsure what else to do, Harry tugged on the other boy's arm gently, trying to get him moving again. Draco, however, seemed to be frozen in panic.

"Leave her alone, _Enoby_. You stepped on her foot!"

"You can shut up too, Cristancia Winifred Kisama! _Poser bitch_!"

They were getting closer. There was no more time to run; it was time to hide. Cursing the fact that he'd stupidly left his Invisibility Cloak in the common room, Harry did the only thing he could think to do; he shoved Draco into an alcove and clamped his hand over the blonde's mouth, ignoring the incredulous look he received for the action. Thankfully, _miraculously_, Draco had the sense not to actually protest being treated in such a way, and as they passed the dark alcove, the arguing of the girls drowned out any noise their breathing may have made.

As girls and their rising voices gradually moved out of earshot, Harry slowly let go of Draco and dared to poke his head out of their hiding place. He let out a quiet sigh of relief upon not seeing any of their pursuers, and leaned back, sliding to the floor. Lucky for them, the girls hardly seemed to look anywhere but forward…or at the crotch of their object of…_affection_.

"The coast is clear," Harry said softly, not daring to raise his voice too much, in case it brought the girls scurrying back.

As soon as Harry finished speaking, Draco visibly relaxed. So much so that his knees actually gave out, and he hit the floor beside his rival. He cleared his throat and murmured, "Th…thank you, Potter. I thought they were going to end up raping me."

Harry shrugged, unsure how to respond. "No problem. Those girls are a menace to us all." Sudden curiosity struck him. "Why didn't you just curse them?" he asked.

"I tried," Draco replied, with a shadow of his usual sneer, but he was unable to get any real malice into the expression. "Those…things…aren't natural. Not even the Cruciatus Curse worked on them." He kicked at the stone floor, and it was only then that Harry noticed he was missing a shoe. Lost in the chase, or had the girls grabbed it before Draco got away? Harry shook the random thought out of his mind as the Slytherin went on, "Then that…psycho _bitch_…_Ebony_…" He spat her name as though it left a foul taste on his tongue. (_It probably does,_ Harry mused.) Draco struggled to find his voice for a few moments, shaking with rage now, instead of fear. "She _snapped my fucking wand_." The words came in a furious whisper, hissed between clenched teeth.

Harry felt like his jaw might hit the floor. He groped for something, anything that he could say…and came up with nothing. Draco wasn't done just yet, though. "She told me I wouldn't _need_ a wand. That she had a much _better _gift for me. I kicked her in the stomach and ran…when…when she…" He choked and his voice faded to silence again.

"What else did she do?" Harry asked hoarsely, feeling sick; he still trying to get his mind around the fact that Ebony had snapped a fellow student's wand. Things were far, far worse than he had imagined.

"She pulled out this…Muggle thing. What did she call it? A gun, I think…I don't know _where_ she kept it, or how she got it into the school. I didn't stick around to find out if she was going to use it on _me _or not…"

An idea burrowed its way into Harry's mind. Maybe magical methods wouldn't work when it came to getting rid of these strangely perfect, powerful creatures. Maybe…it was time to think outside the box…

_Box…a puzzle box…a puzzle…a maze! _"We'll trap them in a labyrinth!" Harry whispered excitedly. Draco, who had been in mid-sentence when the Griffindor spoke, stared at Harry with his mouth half-open until Harry shot to his feet, dragging the blonde with him. "Quick, to the Room of Requirement!" He darted off, still holding Draco's arm, following the girls.

"W-wait, that's the way _they _went!"

"If we hurry, we can get around them – I know a shortcut." Harry didn't stop as he spoke. His shoes skidded on the stone as he made a quick turn and darted behind a seemingly random tapestry. The two of them were shortly running up a twisting flight of stairs, Harry breathlessly explaining his plan over his shoulder as they went.

**-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-**

"I hate to say this, Potter, but you have some pretty damn good ideas. Sometimes."

Standing next to his stag Patronus and looking over what they'd done, Harry had to admit he'd impressed _himself _on this one. The two of them were standing in an observatory with a glass floor so they could see what was going on in the trap they'd set; it was keyed to only their magical signatures. No one else could get inside it, or even see the door.

"Now we need some bait…to get them in here." Harry tapped his lower lip thoughtfully with a finger for a moment, before a golem that looked exactly like Draco appeared on the floor below them. Draco grimaced, but didn't complain about it. The Draco-golem began to move, heading for the door to the Room, to wander the castle until spotted - at which time it would run back here as fast as it could, luring the girls into the trap that awaited them.

The labyrinth itself was made up of heavy stone walls, set to switch themselves around to ensure whoever was inside became hopelessly lost, and there was a trap door that was set to swing shut over the entrance as soon as the girls were all inside. Traps were a common theme, actually. There were pitfalls that ended in deadly spikes, areas where one could easily be crushed by the walls if they didn't move fast enough, not to mention little triggers that would cause arrows to fly at any unfortunate passerby. Then there were monsters. Acromantulas, a few werewolves, and even a dementor or two roamed freely; the reason for the silver stag pacing the observatory. Harry felt they couldn't be too careful.

A high-pitched shriek was their only warning that the Draco golem had been spotted – seconds later, it came sprinting into the Room, followed by a horde of hormone-crazed girls. At the head of the pack was Ebony, her expression twisted into a bizarre mix of rage and lust. She was shrieking something that sounded like, "Draco! What the _fuck _do you think you're doing?!"

Even though there was no way for the girls to know they were there, Harry still cringed away from them. They seemed less like people and more like…like nothing he had words to describe. _It'll all be over soon, _he reassured himself.

The trap door slammed shut, exactly as planned; but the girls all just stood there, looking around curiously for a solid five minutes before one of them – Ivy, maybe – screamed belatedly, "It's a _trap_!"

The girls scattered and ran around in circles, screaming and wailing – effectively managing to draw the attention of two of the werewolves, who sniffed the air curiously and began to move toward the group's location – before Ebony's voice cut through the rest. "Oh, knock it the fuck off; what are you all, a bunch of fucking _preps_? _I'll _get us the fuck out of here!"

Draco frowned. "What does she think she's going to be able to do?" he asked Harry, who looked up from where he'd been banging his head off the wall since the majorly delayed reaction. "You isolated this room with wards, right?"

"We both did, and we double- and triple-checked them, remember? No one gets in or out, unless we want them to," Harry confirmed as he reluctantly left the wall to see what was going on.

Whatever it was Ebony thought she was going to do clearly wasn't working. Her expression went from smugly confident to confused to furious in the span of a few seconds. "What the fuck? Why aren't my vampire powers working?!"

"…Vampire powers?" Cristancia asked after an appropriate pause, clearly annoyed. "Ebony, you do know you're _not_ a vampire, right? Vampires have…like, fangs n' shit, and they're all _gross_-looking."

"They are _NOT_!" Ebony screeched. "They're beautiful and they sparkle like diamonds in the sun, and they're all romantic!"

Several sniggers met her statement. "Even if they _did_ sparkle, _you _– " Ivy's statement was cut off by a bloodcurdling scream.

Gory as the sight was, neither Draco nor Harry could hold back a snort of laughter. The situation was too ridiculous – one of the other girls had spotted one of the werewolves and, in a show of misguided infatuation with wolves of any kind, had attempted to hug the creature while the shouting confused it. Its confusion hadn't lasted long – it had torn off her arm and ripped open her stomach before she had time to react, and now it was chewing rather noisily on her intestines. As the screaming girl tried to push it off with her one remaining arm, the others shrieked and fled, scattering into the depths of the maze. _Brilliant luck that the full moon was tonight, _Harry thought.

"Showtime," Draco whispered, a grin stretching across his face as he rubbed his bruising throat. Harry hummed softly in agreement, his eyes on the action.

Sensing the girls, the labyrinth began to do what it was designed to do; soon, most of them were isolated. Ebony quickly found out that the walls were thicker than she'd thought when she tried to punch her way through one; judging from the way she cradled her right fist to her chest, she'd probably shattered several bones in her hand, maybe her wrist, too, depending on how hard she'd hit it. She was sniffling loudly, calling out for Draco and the person she kept calling Vampire Potter.

Draco nudged Harry and pointed – the Griffindor turned to look at what he'd spotted, just in time to see Ivy fall victim to one of the pitfall traps. She fell, wailing, for just a few long seconds. Both boys cringed at the sickening crunch and the way her screams cut off suddenly, with a disgusting-sounding cough, followed by a gurgling noise. Harry was the first to edge forward, morbid curiosity driving him to see what had become of her.

The sight that met his eyes was a gruesome one indeed. One of the spikes had been driven straight through Ivy's spine and punched through her stomach. Another had forced its way through her leg as easily as if the girl were merely made of paper. A third had grazed her face, ripping through her cheek – her teeth on that side were left exposed, as though in a gory, distorted parody of a smile. Add to that the fact that her eyes were still wide open in an expression of shock, and it made for a very creepy look.

Harry turned away to see where the other girls had gotten to. Draco had his eyes on Ebony, even as a few feet from where Ivy had met her end, another of the girls took an arrow to the head. Ebony was standing face-to-face with the biggest of the Acromantulas the boys had put into the labyrinth. She seemed fairly cocky, like she actually believed this thing couldn't hurt her.

Before the giant spider could lunge, though, a shadow on the wall writhed and peeled itself away from the stone surface. Upon seeing it, Harry couldn't hold back a grin. "Ah, good. I was hoping she'd run into him." They'd put in a special surprise, just for her.

As the darkness oozed off of the figure, a handsome face was exposed. Blonde hair fell forward to shadow his face. The man was wearing a business suit, and flicked a nonexistent speck of dust off his shoulder as the last of the shadows returned to where they were supposed to be. When Ebony noticed him, he smiled, exposing a mouth full of razor-sharp fangs. Coupled with hungry-looking, solid black eyes…the expression made for a frightening image.

"Good evening. So you're the little girl who says she's a vampire…I've been expecting you." He turned to the Acromantula and made a slight shooing motion; the spider backed away, and then scurried off to find a different victim.

Ebony's mouth was wide open as she stared at the vampire. She recovered with a girlish giggle and said, "I'm Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way…Who…who are you? You're…amazing…"

"My name matters little, and I already know I'm amazing. Mortals have said it time and time again…both in _and_ outside of the bedroom." The vampire gave a smug smirk before his lip curled and his dark eyes narrowed in a feral expression. "And you…are _dinner_."

"B-but I'm a vampire! Like you!"

The vampire examined his nails, clearly bored, and said, "Listen, kid, I've been through this with dozens of other little girls just like you. They think if they prick themselves with needles and drink their own blood, and wear clothes like…" He eyed her skimpy attire, which barely covered her bra and panties, with a somewhat disgusted expression. "…Like _that_, then it makes them vampires." He yawned and ruffled his hair, baring those frightening fangs. "Let me tell you something, though. Girls like you wouldn't survive being Turned. The pain of it would make you claw out your own throats, just to end the suffering."

"But - !"

"I tire of you." The vampire moved almost too quickly to see – one moment he was standing in a completely relaxed posture, the next he had slammed Ebony against the wall, cracking her head against the stone so hard that she saw stars for a moment. In that brief second, the vampire viciously sank his teeth into her throat, easily tearing into the skin and severing the carotid artery. He drank deeply, and within seconds, Ebony had gone limp. When he had drained her completely, he threw her body to the side, ignoring the snap of a breaking bone. Probably her neck. It mattered not – he had been given tonight and tonight alone to feed as much as he liked on these students, and there were still hearts beating in this room.

Draco sat back and gave a low whistle. "Where'd you ever meet a guy like _that_, Potter?" he asked. "I wouldn't like to run into him at night."

Harry shrugged. "Long story." He didn't really feel like explaining the specifics. Draco seemed to sense that and let it go, wondering what had happened to the rest of the girls. It seemed like the Acromantula had caught one of them and made a meal of her, and another two had fallen victim to crush-traps. It would be time to clean up, soon – only Cristancia and one other girl were unaccounted for. _Oops, make that just Cristancia_, Draco corrected himself; the vampire had scored his second victim.

Draco stretched and yawned; what happened to her didn't really matter. She wouldn't escape the labyrinth; perhaps it was time to get to cleaning up.

Harry seemed to be of the same mind. He stood up as Cristancia started screaming, knowing they were going to have to work fast if they wanted to get this cleaned up before they were missed. "Let's get to work," he said.

** -0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-**

"Students, following the disappearance of Ivy, Ebony, Cristancia, and several other girls, we have decided to close the doors of Hogwarts to transfer students indefinitely, until we figure out the cause for all of this."

Across the Great Hall, Harry met Draco's eyes and lifted his goblet hurriedly to cover his smirk. The bodies of the girls would never be found, the labyrinth…never discovered. Not even Dumbledore would suspect that the students had been murdered inside the school itself, or that their bodies had been banished to the bottom of the lake. The squid would take care of them. If any evidence _did_ come floating up, it would be assumed the girls went for a swim and some water creature had gotten the better of them. _All in a day's work,_ he thought, stifling a yawn. _Or rather, one night._

Draco gave him an almost imperceptible nod and raised his own goblet just slightly, as if toasting the statement that Dumbledore had just made about finding the girls safe and sound. Harry knew better, though; he bit the inside of his cheek to keep from grinning.

"There is one more thing, however." Out of habit, Harry glanced back toward the Head Table, where the Headmaster was still speaking. "Due to special circumstances regarding her parents, this young lady must stay here for the time being. I trust you will all give her the warmest welcome possible, and that you will all keep yourselves safe until we find out what has happened."

A small, almost-too-pretty girl stepped forward from where she had been standing behind Dumbledore and gave a small, shy smile. She gave a slight bow and murmured a greeting, and some disjointed Japanese phrases, as though that was all she knew of the language.

_Another one? _Harry thought, resisting the urge to scowl. The signs were all there. The unease among the boys was clear; was this the start of a new wave of too-perfect, crazy girls?

The green-eyed Griffindor looked back toward Draco, who met his gaze for just a moment – and smirked.

All in a day's work.


End file.
